As many of you know,
the past few months of my life have been very difficult.
l don't know how l would have gotten through it without all of you.
l really think it's a testament of the love in this institution
that l stand before you today
as the first straight-C student in school history
to be voted valedictorian.
While l may not have excelled in the classroom,
l think that my recent experiences
in that bigger schoolhouse we call life
has taught me a few lessons l'd like to share with my fellow graduates:
Follow your heart and don't question it,
no matter where it tells you to go.
Trust me, it'll open up a world of new experiences you can't even imagine.
l bet you're wondering what a straight-C student is doing
giving a valedictorian speech.
lt wasn't easy, believe me.
But with desire, focus
and the willingness to treat any obstacle as an opportunity,
it's amazing what you can accomplish.
See, l was blessed with a terrific mom--
not only is she a lush, but she also hates me.
A couple of days before my birthday,
l overhear her ordering me a male stripper.
Nothing says ''l love you''
like 10'' of man meat popping out of a cake.
And knowing dear old Mom,
she'll try and nail him after the party,
but not before she tends to more important business
with her new best friend Jelena Mariskova Flachsman,
the imported trophy wife of our family lawyer lrv Flachsman.
Peggy told me you found a new masseur.
- l hear he's... - You heard right.
So can l have his number?
Ahem... we'll see.
That guy next to Flachsman--
our neighbor Mike Rudell--
big-shot TV producer and the guy my mom screws
whenever the batteries run out.
l'm totally addicted to his new show.
Welcome to ''Absolutely Positive,''
the show where we give couples who are about to get married
one last chance to make sure they're...
- Absolutely positive! - That's right!
See, l just don't understand people
who live their lives as one big routine.
They're basically saying,
''l'm not worthy of a unique experience on this earth.''
Well, sorry, but l am.
What the hell is going on? l told you to wait!
For God's sake, she's not even here, you moron!
Shake it, baby!
My mother moved out to LA from Ohio
when she was 20 to become an actress.
After a few years, she got knocked up by a sleezeball producer
who told her she couldn't be on his show unless she hoovered me out.
Mom was no genius, but she was smart enough
to realize that 18 years of child support
was better than a couple of weeks on his dumb show,
so l got to stick around.
What Mom didn't count on was the prick having a heart attack
and croaking a year after l was born.
Look at me-- see what a happy baby l was?
That's because l wasn't old enough to understand why she had me.
Here's me on my first day of school.
Why am l smiling?
Because l got to spend seven hours a day
with adults who didn't reek of menthols and cheap Scotch.
That's me at my friend Kayla's house.
There weren't any sleepovers at my house.
l couldn't risk it after one of the scumbags Mom brought home
tried to feel me up after she passed out.
Kayla's dad took this one, too.
Mom was sucking off her producer to get an audition
for some lame show called ''Bikini Cove.''
Got there late and missed the whole thing.
Anyway, as far as my graduation,
this time she had a great excuse for missing it.
Mini! Mini!
When l call you, l expect you to answer.
Sorry.
Don't patronize me.
- Sorry. - lf you're trying to get me to call you
a spoiled little ungrateful bitch, you're outta luck.
l won't give you the satisfaction.
Thanks, Mommy.
l'm going out and l need you to wait here
for a delivery from the liquor store.
He should be here by 7:00.
Fine.
Hmm.
You should know that skirt makes your thighs look fat.
Gosh, you're right, Mom.
l'm such a cow.
Honey, if l don't tell you these things,
who will?
- Okay. Thanks. - You're welcome.
lt's funny how my fat thighs
never seemed to bother what's-his-name from the liquor store.
Hey, Mini. How're you doing?
So Mom spent the next 12 years trying to bag another elephant.
Then five years ago, she met Martin.
He's a partner at a public relation's firm,
which is ironic because l can't remember
the last time they were seen in public together,
or had relations.
You're home early.
Yeah, um...
client canceled our dinner.
Protecting all those poor, defenseless oil companies
from those big bad environmentalists?
Well, somebody's gotta make the payments on your Beamer.
ls your mother home?
No, she went to some party off Beachwood.
She was in one of her happy moods,
so l doubt she'll be sleeping here,
in case you were thinking of inviting a guest over.
l wasn't, but thanks for your concern.
You're going out on a school night?
Yeah.
Hmm.
Have you finished your homework?
l haven't even cracked a book.
To understand me,
you need to understand that life, in my opinion,
is all about new experiences.
''Firsts'' is what l call them.
And the goal of life-- any life--
should be to cram as many firsts into it as possible.
After popping out of the cake, l knew l had to top it,
but it was tough--
skydiving, bungee jumping?
Please. lt's more dangerous getting on the freeway every day.
Then one night while cruising through Hollywood, it hit me.
So l went to an escort service just to see what would happen.
When they found out how young l was,
they told me they had a trick for me that night.
My first night as a call girl was a serious letdown.
The guy said l looked so much like his niece,
he just started whimpering and praying for forgiveness.
Honey, what are you doing here?
Did you have fun tonight, honey?
For my first night turning tricks,
it could have been better.
That's nice.
That's so nice.
Nice, Mom.
ln my bed.
After that night, l told the escort service,
''No more clients with a conscience.''
They were happy to oblige with a last-minute gig
at a corporate fuckpad an executive keeps.
They said l was just his type-- young.
lt's open.
Hello?
Can you fucking believe it?
Uh, hi.
Sorry l'm late.
lt's okay.
Mind if l freshen up?
No, go right ahead.
My own stepdad?
My first thought was ''How sick is he?''
But then l started thinking, ''l'm one to talk,
and well, why not?
l mean, he isn't my real dad,
and talk about a first.''
Then l thought, ''lf my mom can do some strange guy in my bed,
l can do her strange guy in this bed.''
You doing okay in there?
Just peachy.
Listen, sugar, would you mind turning the lights off?.
See, l'm kinda new to all this and a little shy.
No problem,
but do you think maybe we could get this show on the road?
Now close your eyes.
Come on.
You won't keep them shut for long.
Just don't look around.
Now, close your eyes.
l literally couldn't feel the ground under my feet--
a first to top all firsts.
l knew l'd tell him one day, but l wanted to savor it for a while.
Hey, you forgot your keys.
Oh well, here's to immediate gratification.
You were great.
What?
Oh...
Suddenly, he was coming home every night
and even started asking me about my homework.
How're you doin', kiddo?
How are you making out with those math problems?
'Cause, you know, if you ever need any help, l could... you know.
Actually, l was thinking about starting a 401K plan at work.
Could you help me pick a good mutual fund?
All you did was kiss?
Yeah, you don't believe me?
No, of course, l believe you.
Yo, Kayla, l got some more
of what you were looking for last Saturday night.
Aw, yeah yeah.
Actually, Troy, l think you confused her
with that senile, toothless grandmother of yours.
Come on, man.
Yo, Mini,
why don't you use that mouth for something useful
and suck my dick?
Aw, yeah!
All right.
Hey! What the fu--
Let me suck your dick, Troy. You said l could.
- Yo, this ain't funny! - Come on, baby, take it out!
l'm on my knees, Troy, come on!
Jesus Christ, Mini! What the fuck?
God damn, Mini!
Wait, l almost had it. l almost had it.
Here it comes!
What's wrong, stage fright?
Thank you.
l want you to know
that l feel horrible.
And not about what happened, because that was an accident.
But l just keep thinking
l didn't know that you were doing that.
And l just wonder how things might have been
if you...
had a real father.
So what are you saying, Martin?
You wanna be my father now?
To be perfectly honest,
l loved it. Talk about electric.
Knowing that any moment she could walk in
was better than any drug.
Mom thought it was cute how we'd suddenly grown so close,
and thought it was wonderful how Martin had taken an interest in my education.
Mini? Mini?
What, you don't know how to knock?
Have you seen Martin?
No, l can't say that l have.
He was in his study, but l haven't been able to find him.
l assume he's gone out, so l've invited Ricardo over for a cocktail,
and you know how children make him feel very uneasy.
So l would really appreciate it
if you and your friend would stay in here
or use the backdoor when he arrives.
Okay, not a problem.
Good.
Oh my God!
Now that we were spending time together,
l actually started to find out what Martin was like for the first time.
He wasn't the drip l thought he was.
He was funny...
charming...
sweet...
and even a little shy.
Looking back, that may have been the moment he fell in love.
This went on for about two months
before we had the talk we both knew was coming.
So...
l don't want to sneak around in my own house.
Well, l don't think telling her is such a hot idea.
l don't even want to live under the same roof with her anymore.
You can't leave. She'll get half.
Can l ask how the hell you married her without a prenup?
She wasn't as bad of an actress as you think.
Well, there is another option.
And what's that?
lt'll take some planning, some resolve.
- You wanna kill her? - Yeah.
No! Of course not, she's my mother.
Good, l'm glad to hear you say that.
But l was thinking...
if she suddenly got ill...
- lll? - ...unstable...
unpredictable...
irrational...
dangerous, and the safety of her husband...
her child...?
She'd have to be sent someplace
where they could give her the care she needs.
Yeah.
And it would be for her own good.
Yeah.
As painful as it would be to be away from my loving wife.
Well, you did it for the well-being of your daughter--
the selfless act of a devoted parent.
We'll find her a very comfortable place out in the country.
With lots of fresh air.
lt'll be a much better life for her.
So much better.
l awoke the next morning as excited as l could remember.
Unlike most firsts which are over too quickly,
this would take determination...
stamina...
and imagination.
l decided to start simply.
The school nurse, a lush named Helga Hauptfuhrer--
or ''Der F¨ąhrer,'' as she was affectionately known--
starts jonesing for her afternoon nip
about 45 minutes after lunch each day...
which leaves me free to help myself to the candy store.
Slipping her the pills was absurdly easy,
because for Mom, every morning was Margaritaville
and l was her bartender.
lt was even easier when the sun went down.
Mini, Diane, l'm home.
l turned her nightcap into an all-nightcap.
And after three days of this,
the fireworks were about to begin.
Peggy from Hays, Kansas.
Phase one:
Violent mood swings- slash-uncontrollable rages.
God damn it.
Damn it! God damn it!
Where are they? l'm gonna be late!
Fucking shit!
Where the fuck are they?
lt took me three weeks to get the appointment with Fabrizio!
Fabrizio Santano: Masseuse to the stars
and reported possessor of one of the biggest schlongs in town.
Rumor has it he's pourin' the pork
to every rich wife between Malibu and Pasadena.
Now l'm gonna miss it
because l can't find my fucking keys!
l could use a little help over here!
Diane, do you remember where you left your keys
when you came home last night?
Oh yeah, l put them in the fucking bowl
next to the fucking door like l always fucking do.
Well, you were kind of out of it last night.
l was not.
l had one drink with Peggy-- one!
Are you sure about that?
- Yes, l'm sure. - 'Cause you seemed a little bit too--
Dickless wonder.
Mini, l'm taking your car.
Martin, you drive her to school.
- l've got a meeting with Chapman. - Tell him it's an emergency.
- He's one of our biggest clients! - Who gives a fuck?
You're not a dickless wonder.
Thank you.
- Hello, Fabrizio? - Yes, what is it?
lt's Diane.
Diane Spechtenstein?
- Tannen. - Oh, l'll be seeing you shortly, no?
Listen, l'm going to have to cancel our appointment.
Aw, something come up?
Yeah, something came up.
Oh, that's so good.
- Fabrizio. - Ms. Tannen?
- Jelena? - Diane, what are you doing here?
- What the hell are you doing here? - Easy now, Ms. Tannen.
You called. You canceled 30 minutes ago.
l did not call and cancel, Fabrizio!
l talked to you myself. You said something come up.
You knew l had an appointment today.
Did you call and pretend to be me?
Are you drunk? How could l possibly sound like you?
Yeah, that's true.
Five minutes, Ms. Tannen.
Bitch.
Ms. Tannen, wait in the recovery room.
Fabrizio, l never need the recovery room, you know that.
Did l tell you to stop?
What part of ''Don't stop'' didn't you understand?
- Five minutes. - But this is my appointment!
Fabrizio, get off of her right now!
l've got him for 55 more minutes!
- Wait your turn! - lt's my turn! lt's my appointment!
Look, if you're not going to wait outside,
at least shut your goddamn mouth
and let me enjoy this!
- Get off of her! - Don't you fucking talk to me!
- Right now! - Throw her out!
- Faster! - Get off!
Don't or l'll have immigration up your ass!
You sneaky little bitch!
Do you think she'll press charges?
Are you fucking kidding me? She should get 20 to life.
When l told Peggy and Margo about the stunt she pulled,
both of them said they would have ripped her eyes out.
She'll be lucky if anybody talks to her again.
Here comes the choo-choo.
For God's sake, l didn't break both hands!
God, l still can't believe you broke your hand on her face.
That's so Linda Hamilton.
l hope she enjoys shitting out the teeth she swallowed.
Phase two:
Wild shopping sprees carried out in a euphoric state.
Divine Productions, Carlos speaking.
Hello, Carlos. lt's Diane Tannen calling.
Se¨ľora Tannen.
Listen, l'm going to need a delivery to the house.
Hey, where do you want these?
l don't know. My mom ordered them.
The eucalyptus pods and bamboo and...
The giraffe can clean its own ears with its tongue
because the tongue is approximately 21'' long. ls that true or false?
Carlos?! What...?
What the fuck is going on, Carlos?
Oh, Se¨ľora Tannen, it's the stuff you ordered for the party yesterday.
Ordered? l didn't order anything!
What the fuck are you talking about?
- Are you invited? - l don't think it's a party.
l think they're having a family event...
a dysfunctional circus.
Mom, look at the monkey.
You did. You called me yesterday on the phone. We talked.
l didn't call you! l did not!
You were talking about a party on the phone.
Right after you washed your painkillers--
- Shh! - Right.
- l didn't... - You said you wanted--
- ...organize a party, Carlos! - Shangri-la,
- that's what you said to me. - Shangri-la, oh yeah.
One, two, three.
l'm coming, l'm coming!
And you're not gonna be helping me ever again,
because you know what? You suck.
Oh shit!
What the fuck is going on here, Carlos?
Who ordered all this stuff?.
l didn't order it.
l wouldn't do anything without your permission,
but Mrs.-- Se¨ľora Tannen...
Martin, l--
Diane...
did you order all this stuff?.
No, l didn't.
l didn't order anything.
Come inside with me, Diane, because--
- come inside. - l didn't order anything!
Over the next few days,
whenever Mom passed out from too much drinky-drinky,
l'd pull out her wallet and reach out and touch someone.
After a week of my version of the Home Shopping Network,
the doorbell might as well have been a cannon.
Oh God.
Mini! Jesus Christ,
l asked for that drink 10 minutes ago.
Put it here.
Help me.
You're welcome.
Jesus Christ.
Anything else l can do for you?
Mm...
Sweetie, that is yummy.
What's in it?
Phase three:
Rambling incoherent monologues in public.
l just clammed up, you know, lt was just weird.
You know, eventually l just said to him,
''Sorry, Fabrizio, but it's just not a safe haven anymore.''
She has ruined it for all of us.
Oh boy, oh boy. You know--
- You know l love you! - She looks so lovely, doesn't she?
She looks lovely, but l'm gonna take out a restraining order. l got news for you.
What happened-- yeah, l heard about that incident.
Here she comes.
Jelena, my God, your dentist is a genius.
l'd never know those weren't your real teeth.
You stay the hell away from me, you psycho,
- You're lucky l didn't-- - l'm lucky? No no no no.
Let me tell you something: Fabrizio will not return my calls
because of you, you fucking bitch!
Let me tell you something: That shit may fly in Siberia,
but it does not fly on Mulholland, you got it?!
- She hit my wife. - Really?
Like l said, get some help!
Yeah well, whatever.
She's fucking unbelievable!
l'm telling you, the best thing l ever did
was break my hand on that bitch's face.
- Yeah. - l think she's troubled, you know?
She has a beautiful nose. l love her nose.
l feel fucking fantastic!
Like, l feel like l could run a marathon,
- you know what l mean? - ...each and every juror in the eye.
Juries!
Can l please come over and talk to you about juries?
l've always wanted to say the words, ''You're guilty!''
What do you guys think happens in those sequestered situations?
Do you think they have sex, the jurors? l think they really get it on.
Are you looking at my tits?
You crazy fuck!
Oh, you know, l was an actress.
l don't know if you know that about me.
l almost had this role on ''Bikini Cove.''
l almost had two lines. My one line would have been this:
''Um, l'll have another sex on the beach.''
Mmm.
That show was a really fucking fantastic show.
lt was very creative. Cheesy drink, but it's a drink anyway.
l like Scotch. lsn't that fun?
l had to suck off the executive producer for that audition,
but, hey, l almost got my SAG card,
- so l felt it was worth it. - l need a refill.
- Yeah, me too. lf you'll excuse us... - But we were talking
- about juries and sex on the-- - Excuse me.
You know, hey hey hey, cock breath!
Oh my God.
Listen, good job, but l need more warning.
l was at dinner with Chapman.
l can't reschedule again.
l know, but it was a golden opportunity.
You always said you can't pay enough
for good publicity, right?
What the hell? Can you control her, sir?
Ooh! Bye, everybody!
l'll see you later!
At this point with all those witnesses,
Martin thought we could get a shrink to have her sent away.
My feeling was that until they were ready
to weld the door to her padded cell shut,
there was still more work to be done.
Fabrizio, it's Diane.
Hi...
Do you think you could call me? l've called you a few times.
l just-- l need to talk to you.
Ciao.
- Feel okay? - Yeah, great.
l'll be right back with your two iced teas.
So was there any reason why we couldn't just meet at my house?
Honestly, because l want some witnesses around
in case you fucking lose it again.
ln case l--
you're unbelievable, Jelena.
For God's sake, get a grip.
All the shit you've been talking about me
to Peggy, Barbara, and Trish has to stop!
After your performance the other night,
l can't believe l'm even giving you a warning.
- Ha! A warning? - lf you keep this up,
- l will make my husband-- - Your husband? Oh right!
- Give me a break! - --and mental anguish!
Are we clear?
l'm, like, ''Dude, all l wanted was...''
Hey, boys.
Wanna have a little fun?
- You are losing it. - That's so funny, you know?
Final phase:
Complete psychotic breakdown.
- Hello? - Diane.
Fabrizio, is that you? How are you?
l can see you. Can you see me?
Who is this?
Do you feel safe?
This isn't funny. l'm hanging up.
Hang up and you're dead.
- ls this a joke? - l assure you l'm no joke.
By the way, that pink scarf is very fetching.
Who is this? Just--
Take it easy!
- Get away from me! - What the hell is your problem?
Leave me alone! Leave me alone!
Maybe you should make a run for that silver Jag you drive home
to Mira Loma Lane.
- How do you know where l live? - l know everything.
What do you want from me?
- Ma'am? - What?
l'm gonna have to ask you to leave the mall.
l-l can't leave. He's...
He knows where l live. l can't.
Who knows, ma'am?
This man has been terrorizing me on the phone.
He's-- hello?
Yeah, this is Franklin. We've got a code seven.
- You've gotta come with me. - Don't touch!
- Ma'am? - Don't you dare touch me!
Settle down.
Hey, get off of her!
The other arm!
Get the cuffs on her!
Come on, ma'am!
After her performance at the mall,
l'm sure she would have qualified as committable, but that wasn't enough.
l wanted her to beg the boys in white coats to take her away.
So, Mom, we're gonna go out to dinner.
Do you want us to bring you back something?
Are you both going?
Why don't you just come with us?
You haven't left the house in three days.
l can't.
Okay.
Hello?
Oh my God!
Shit.
What do you want?!
Oh my God! Oh my God!
Shit! Oh, please, God!
- Please... ma'am? - 911 emergency, please hold.
Fuck fuck fuck!
Oh my God! Oh my God!
Oh my God, oh my God!
Shit, oh my God. Oh my God!
Oh God!
Oh, shit!
Oh God! Shit!
Help!
Oh my God, oh my God!
Our work finished.
We returned home expecting to find her blabbering like a three-year-old.
Mom, we're home.
Diane, honey...
we brought you a pulled pork plate.
Diane, wake up. lt's us.
Wake up, Mommy.
Diane, come on.
Diane, come on, wake up.
Martin, l just picked these sleeping pills up for her yesterday.
l suppose we should call an ambulance.
Do you really think they can save her?
l don't know.
She'll only try it again, you know she will.
She will if we keep torturing her like this.
Mini, this is wrong. l'm gonna call an ambulance.
Hold on, wait wait wait.
Who are we to say her choice is wrong?
She put the pills in her mouth.
l thought we agreed that murder was out.
l wouldn't exactly call this murder.
l mean, if anything, we're just helping to fulfill her last wish.
Mini, she wouldn't have done this unless we--
Mini, for God's sake, the woman still has a pulse.
All right, look, you can cut the indignant outrage,
because if you really cared, you would have already dialed 911.
Can't we just admit how lucky we both are?
This is the perfect alibi-- she put the drugs in her system.
You're saying we should just leave her here.
Can you think of one person who would say she's sane at this point?
We're so close to being free.
Let's just let nature take its course.
So we passed the time watching my favorite show.
Our first couple's from Bakersfield, California--
Suzanne Terasado and Gene Scalzo.
They're gonna get married in three weeks, folks.
Date's coming up pretty soon, huh?
Don't answer that question. But first,
we send you out on some dates huh?
- We have to speed this up. - What?
We can't wait anymore, Martin, okay?
Our alibi's only believable for maybe another hour.
We can say we went to a movie after dinner,
but if she doesn't croak by midnight, we can forget about this.
What exactly are you suggesting?
Come on, we don't have time.
Look, if we're gonna screw up the details,
we might as well call San Quentin and tell them to fire up the Dutch oven.
You almost finished?
What's the one thing all her friends
are gonna be talking about when they find out?
''How did she look?''
Do you think anyone would think twice if the answer's ''Fabulous''?
Well, if you have any last thoughts,
l think that now would probably be the appropriate time.
You could pretend to have a little remorse.
No no no! Wait wait wait! She's gonna be fine!
Just tell me that she's gonna be okay!
Mr. Tannen, l think you should take your daughter into the house.
l don't wanna go in the house right now!
She's gonna be fine, right?
Just say that she's gonna be fine first
and then l'll go in the house!
lt's gonna be okay. Come on, go inside.